A Resurrection Only Occurs After A Death.

When Ryan and I met in 2010 we were in a season of death with the passing of our spouses, & this death included a burial of lifelong dreams and expectations.

The next few years we enjoyed a resurrection as our lives merged and birthed new realities: our marriage & family, a simple life in rural America, the birth of a book, a teaching career, a non profit & another child. Lots of growth & beauty.

We now find ourselves back in a season of decay; broken bodies over the past year: Ryan’s, mine, and Luke’s; broken ideals and dreams as we restructure & determine how we’ll proceed, lots of unanswered questions and concerns & the burial of systems that no longer serve us emotionally or spiritually, and we wait because we know. We know because we’ve been here before – this is familiar soil, deep & dark & rich soil where we’ve been planted and now we await our reemergence into the light.

We wait for our resurrection.

And we are confident that it will arrive in due time because that’s how life works.

Everything remains in motion; a continuous movement of death and resurrection, waves upon waves washing away the brokenness and moving what remains to the shore – natural disasters and coronavirus and despair not excluded – it’s all involved, collectively and individually; ashes to beauty and back to ashes again, circular movements until the maestro sweeps his baton for the last time & bows his head in holy reverence, that moment when his beloved creation leans into the finality & releases a labored breath – bursting through the birth canal into an everlasting resurrection.

And until then?

We just keep livin.

See Me Too – A Caregiver’s Plea

Dear mama with normal children,

Normal? Typical?
What’s politically correct you might wonder?
As do I and –
What is normal anyway?
Honestly, I’m not sure because I’m tired.
And I don’t spend my free time on political jargon
And I definitely don’t sleep well
And most of my waking hours I’m caring for someone else
Or finding resources that will hopefully make our life a little bit easier someday.
Someday – a day that feels more and more like a unicorn lately.
You see, I’m a special needs mama to a 15 year old son.
And no, it’s not politically correct to call myself that
Because I am more than just special needs
Or so they say
But am I?
Because a pretty high percentage of my life revolves around my child and what we can or can’t do because of his limitations.
I often see you and your beautiful typical functioning children out and about in the world, and I’m envious.
Yes, I said that out loud.
And I’m not supposed to say those words because I have my miracle baby.
The child the experts said would never live
So there’s always guilt attached
To my envy. Continue reading “See Me Too – A Caregiver’s Plea”

Gathering

The past couple of months there has been a lack of peace in my home, and I often thought, this mothering gig really isn’t my thing anymore. 4 teenagers, one with profound special needs, a pre teen, a 10 year old, a 9 year old, and a four year old who has no lack of confidence. It was a lot. Between health and job and hormonal issues which led to emotional issues and arguing and backtalk and snarkiness and bad attitudes and the older kids teaching the younger kids things they had no business knowing; the whole thing was a big honkin cup that overfloweth… or perhaps, it was more like a kitchen sink or the bathtub spilling over & it was causing significant damage. And we – the parents – should have immediately steered the ship back on course, but instead we bickered & bitched & complained as we held on for dear life to the raft boat the kids threw us when they made us walk the plank.

This sudden change in the family dynamic was attributed to a few circumstances: one, everyone was getting older and hormonal and becoming more opinionated & two, our move to an urban community where the kids had opportunities for activities, sleepovers, and jobs and the focus slowly shifted from the family unit – a strong unit we had in rural America where we relied heavily on each other because it was all we had – to individualized focus “You take care of you, and I’ll take care of me” & as long as the older crew took ownership of themselves: jobs, food, school, homework, play – we didn’t question much. We reasoned it was simply a stressful time in our life and “this too shall pass” and then…

Then, a few weeks ago, I said to my husband “I really miss family dinners.” You see, with the introduction of jobs and late nights and neighborhood kids to play with and everyone fending for themselves, and in turn each individual grabbing a bite to eat here and there, dinner time as a family had become almost obsolete – the rare exception in our family since our conception in 2011. For 8 years, we have religiously sat down at the dinner table and enjoyed a meal together – religiously until the move this past December. When Ryan and I married, we knew this tradition would provide a foundation to our success as a blended family – the art of gathering around a table for a home cooked meal and offering a blessing for not only the food we were about to eat but also for his faithfulness through our lives. We knew that the table would provide the foundation for community and connectedness in our newly blended home and the absence of the table would only leave a void and disconnect.

We recently reincorporated family dinner night. It looks a little different than it did in rural America, and we eat later – around 6 now because of play time with the neighborhood kids. We’ve made it a requirement for any child who is home that evening, and my oh my, what a difference we’ve seen already. Attitudes have changed and lightened as we laugh around the table partaking in fresh pasta and warm bread. I like my kids again & I think they might like me too as the focus has shifted, and we get to know each other on a heart level – on a real level- rather than just co-existing.

There is so much chatter in the world today about how lonely we all are, how depressed and isolated and longing for community, and this is not only true for ourselves as adults, but it’s desperately true for our kids. Our homes need to be safe places of respect & connections and what better way to foster these desperately needed essentials than around a table? What better way to encourage conversations? And what better way to show love than to invest our time, our most precious commodity, in them? Give it a try. You won’t regret it ❤

Just keep livin.

How’s It Going? Life in the New Town.

For any of you late to the party, Ryan and I recently made a drastic but highly necessary decision to uproot our lives from rural Tennessee and move towards Nashville.  That’s just how we roll. When something doesn’t work anymore, we fix it, and we fix it quickly.  People have naturally been curious about the transition, how we’re all adjusting to a more populated environment and asking:

  1. Have the kids adjusted?
  2. What about Luke? Have you found more resources?
  3. What have been the biggest changes/adjustments?
  4. Are you and Ryan doing better now that you have more resources?

#1.  Our kids are so resilient.  This crew didn’t miss a beat, and I attribute their attitude to the lives they’ve lived so far.  Life changes, and you either learn to find joy or you wallow in the unfairness.  They have figured this concept out at a young age, and it will hopefully serve them well as they progress through life. We had a few hiccups initially with cultural differences (this is much more of a melting pot than they were used to) and population differences – these schools are much bigger! but they have all made great new friends, Caleb found a job he loves at Pizza Hut, Mya is getting involved with Volleyball, Spanish lessons are occurring on Saturdays, music with Annabelle at the library on Tuesdays, and they are enjoying church activities on a regular basis because church is now only a five minute drive.

#2 Luke.  We thought he would be the wild card, and he is but not like we anticipated!  The school transition was easy, the house transition was easy and so much more convenient with a mother in law suite which we currently use for him and potentially an aid down the road. Those are all the pros about Luke; however – something about this move awakened a monster of curiosity in his restless soul, and he is no longer content at home, which in Luke language involves lots of screaming. We try to get him out as often as possible, but he’s still not happy when he returns.  He does qualify for an aid but unfortunately he’s been on the waiting list with 5 companies since November.  Yes, you read that correctly, five companies can’t find anyone to help with him so we’ve taken matters into our own hands and are currently looking for part time help. As for resources, YES! Huge improvement.  In 3 months we’ve already been approved for respite money which will help fund some of the outside help we’re seeking, our church has a special needs ministry, and there are numerous parks (and slides!) nearby that Luke would love to take up residence at full time if we allowed him to.

#3. Biggest changes/adjustments off the top of my head – abstaining from the convenience and options that restaurants offer.  My wallet and body do not appreciate the over abundance.  I think we got the excitement out of our systems, and now I’m ready to start cooking again (for the most part). Also, city water, yuck! As soon as we can afford it we’re going to buy a water filtration system because we all miss our spring fed well water. I love the simplicity of everything being within ten minutes and especially loving Instacart.  Oh my, what a game changer. I used to spend HOURS a week on groceries; getting them, packing them into the car, unpacking (with a three year old in tow), you get the point. When we moved we decided to swap school lunches for sack lunches to save money. I can only maintain this decision because of the convenience of grocery delivery. Worth every penny.

I also love the simplicity of our house being 2000 square feet smaller than our previous home, and the simplicity of the yard being only 2 acres instead of 30. It feels manageable and cozy and invokes a spirit of hygge (previous post).  I do miss the beauty of our other house; the river in the back yard, the pond and the barns, but the beauty quickly lost its appeal with the isolation and overwhelm that it took to maintain it all and raise 8 kids.

#4. Last question, yes, our mental health has improved quite a bit.  We were previously panicky and anxiety filled often as we felt trapped and isolated with 8 kids and nowhere to go. Here, if we’re having a difficult time or the chaos in the house is beginning to feel overwhelming, we can simply go for a hike at the local state park or a swim at the community center, or enjoy the peace and quiet that the library offers just down the road.  There are options – close options. I joke that I’ve made friends, but they’re all special needs moms so we never see each other; which is kind of true and sad.  As a special needs parent it is much more challenging to get together.

What’s next for us? I’m in a limbo period. I don’t have a clear idea of what I should be focusing on and that’s really unnerving.  I don’t rest well and perhaps this is simply a period in life where I need to learn to lean into peace.  I’ve been more consistent with blogging, my agent is still attempting to find a home for a second book I’ve (mostly) written, and I’m hesitantly gearing up to begin another chapter of The Lucas Project.  And… we’ve been recently chatting with some bigger city folk about a potential family project that could be a’lot of fun. Time will tell. I’ve also been focused on building my social media platforms so that I can be more appealing to the larger publishing houses. By the way, if you don’t follow me on Facebook/jessplusthemess and/or Instagram/jessplusthemess, now would be a great time to start!

Ryan’s busy working on a flip house nearby and detailing the progress in short video posts on his Facebook page. Together we’re about to till a garden, raise some chicks (along with all the kids), and start a renovation project which will involve transitioning our main floor full bathroom into a laundry room/half bath which will eventually open up our kitchen and dining room to provide a big enough table to seat us all.  Stay tuned.

And as always, “just keep livin!”