Insensitive Mating Rituals of Beanweevils and Husbands

This is a continuation of the previous post, Birds, Bees and Babies in Mommy’s Tummy…..

 

The next day, the day after we told the kids our exciting news about the pregnancy,  I walked down to the bus stop to retrieve Caleb, a little more tired than usual being newly pregnant and waited for him to bounce off the bus.  He arrived right on time, and we promptly began the return walk home and that’s when he abruptly turned to me and said

“Mom, were you awake or asleep when Dad did that thing to you?”

MY MIND WENT BLANK AND MY MOUTH WENT MUTE AND MY HEART PUMPED OUT MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF BLOOD IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES.   

I had absolutely nothing, not one of those super sharp come backs I’ve so proudly bragged about, NOTHING but bright redness blasting across every cell structure in my face. I muttered and stuttered and JUST ABOUT DIED.  

“Ummmm, what do you mean?”  I asked as innocently as I could muster, pretending like I had no idea that he was comparing our baby making session to some sort of bean weevil mating session he had most likely witnessed on Animal Planet or one of those other stupid shows his father lets him watch involving unique mating rituals of just about every walking creature in the universe including the elusive and odd bug, the bean weevil, who severely damages the female’s reproductive system upon successful insemination, thus coining the term, “traumatic insemination.”

“MOM, awake or asleep?  It’s not a hard question.” He asked again, this time getting annoyed with my obvious avoidance.

My brilliant reply, “What does your book say?”  

Great plan, project blame onto the book, the book should have covered that and if it didn’t, well, that’s not MY fault, that’s the book’s fault.  
The book in question is called It’s NOT The Stork! 

a descriptive, informative manual about a boy’s changing body, also loosely covering the birds and the bees.  
We thrust this book at them with the admonishment of “Come talk to us if you have any questions…”  Probably not one of our finest parenting moments.   

“Mom, it doesn’t say. I’m just wondering, were you awake or did Dad sneakily do it?”

OH MY WORD, I DON’T HAVE EVEN A REMOTE CONCEPT OF HOW TO DO THIS WITH MY TEN YEAR OLD SON…..

“Awake” I muttered hoping to slam the door completely shut for any further advancements in the conversation, the most mortifying conversation I’ve ever had in my life.  

This child had absolutely no comprehension of how his mother could be a willing participant in THAT ACT his book talked about.  I suppose he must have a very prudish version of his mother in his mind.
We continued our walk, talking about a plethora of other topics, his question having been answered and as we neared the house, I suddenly had a burst of energy and bounded up the steps, bursting into the office where my husband sat plugging away at numbers for his new project,

“Honey, I gasped, you are not going to believe what Caleb said to me…..”  

I retold the story to Ryan who in turn burst out laughing, an embarrassed type of laugh as he realized that his son viewed him as some sort of primal predator type of human being who totally took advantage of his mate in a weakened state of sleep and impregnated her against her will.  HILARIOUS.

I think that’s all I have to say about that…..

Just keep livin!!