I (Ryan) know many of you have wondered and some have even asked about how I feel about Jess writing about Jason’s last days. To be perfectly honest, it has been painful to say the least but probably not in the ways you might think. When I read about Jessica’s pain and the decisions she was forced to make, I feel her pain as if it is my own. There is nothing she has written publicly that we have not discussed, much of it many times over. In fact, last night we were discussing something very painful for both of us and soon after, Jess felt peace about it and I allowed it to stir in my heart. This time we did everything right, well almost everything…She filled me in on what was bothering her and I immediately felt drawn to pray her through it which I did. Now, in all honesty, we don’t usually drop to our knees with each and every painful situation, and in all honesty, we often leave God out of it until the very end, but this time we didn’t. For some reason, this was one of those extremely painful situations and we knew that without God’s help it would become something beyond our ability to sanely deal with. This time we actually obeyed from the get go. What I didn’t realize was I was not praying myself through it as well and I allowed it to fester in my heart and even when she offered to pray for me hours later, I was reluctant. Being the great woman she is, she prayed for me despite my objections, I love that about her:) I didn’t feel the same relief when she finished as I know I should have and as the night went on, I felt deeper pain. We talked it through and I tried to explain to her that I was feeling the pain that she felt even though she had worked through it already. I think as her husband or least someone who loves her so deeply, I felt like I was supposed to take on her burdens and relieve her of the pain she once felt. She looked me square in the eyes and made sure she had my attention and said these words, words so simple yet so profound “honey, Jesus already took my pain so you don’t have to”. I wish I could say that the words resonated in my little brain immediately and I let go of the pain. In truth, I let it hang on me until the next day when her words came back to me…Jesus suffered and died freeing us from our sin as we all know but He also freed us from our pain. I find joy in Jesus words found in John 16:33 ” I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” We will have to face tribulation and pain, but we don’t have to dwell on it nor do we have to carry the baggage that comes with it. Jesus carries us through it all and he offers the same grace to the people that hurt us as well. That doesn’t always set well with me but I’m wrong. That’s right, I admitted it:) I strive to be more like Jesus and fail often, but I continue to “just keep livin” and I don’t believe I can live the blessed life God has planned for me by dwelling on pain, regret, unforgiveness…and the list goes on and on. I have to let go of my pain and I have to make a point to let go of Jessica’s pain in order for us to reach the potential God has in store for us. Pain will come, the scripture is clear about that, but in Jess’s words, “Jesus took it, so I don’t have to.” Let go of the past and for some of you…
Just start livin!
2 thoughts on “Just Start Livin!”
Thank you, Ryan, for allowing us to see your vulnerability. That is difficult for most people to do, and especially for men. As I’ve followed yours and Jess’ story, I just marvel at the way God has taken control of the situation, and brought the two of you to the place you are today. I cannot even begin to imagine what either one of you have gone through. It would be terribly hard to experience the death of a spouse, but, for you and Jess…..to be so young and have such young children……two of which will never really know their Mom and Dad….to have to deal with such a slow, ugly death as brain cancer….I just have to know, as well as everyone else…..If it wasn’t for the Grace of God, neither of you could have been able to withstand the pain you went through. Most of the blog posts I read, I read with tears in my eyes. I count it such a blessing to know you and, thru the blog, Jessica. I’m so glad He has allowed you both to “Just Start Livin”….PTL
Ryan I like your words. I hope you both know it helps others to read things like this. I have missed reading your blogs. Hope to read more. Life is so full of peaks & valleys. God is there through it all! More often than naught I forget to involve Him at the beginning. I have to learn to give up the control! I know the issues with blending 2 families. It is not easy. So happy for you both! Love, Linda