I Stopped Drinking

I gave up wine for 30 days.

Yep, even the first two weeks of summer break.

Today is the 31st day.

Most who know me or even know me from online know that one of my favorite ways to unwind is on the patio with Ryan, enjoying a cold glass of chardonnay and an assortment of cheese and crackers. This little treat is like my participation ribbon at the end of a day – not first, second, or third place – just simply, yes! You showed up and accomplished another day with 8 kids! Here’s your prize! Enjoy.

The decision to stop this pleasant tradition was partly evoked by a trip to the library where I saw Annie Grace’s book The Alcohol Experiment.  I thought, Could I do this? I had considered removing one food group a month to (hopefully) pinpoint the origin of my eczema flareups and figured May might be a good month to start – with alcohol – specifically wine and the occasional beer. This isn’t the first time I’ve completed a similar feat, but in the past the decision often ensues after the holidays or vacation when my body needs a detox from overindulging. I love a good challenge, and I tucked the concept away in the back of my mind.

After we moved, I was in a great place emotionally.  I was walking every day, doing yoga, engaging with Ryan as we enjoyed weekly date nights exploring restaurants, and having lots of family fun with the new opportunity’s city life offered. At the end of most days, a glass of crisp, buttery chardonnay or a cool wine spritzer became an anticipated treat and then… then I broke my foot and Luke started screaming non stop and some other really difficult situations occurred that I haven’t healed from and so I won’t write about them yet, and the glass of wine I enjoyed became glasses of wine and the social media scrolling (which I also restructured as I detailed in last week’s post) that was typically limited to school time hours was seeping into family time hours, and I felt like none of it was serving me very well anymore.

My anxiety was mounting.  I was not dealing with the uncomfortable feelings and instead wine and scrolling because a mindless way to make motherhood a little bit easier and allowed me to disengage. The typical glass followed by a walk, became glasses as I sat on my rear end unable to move and instead of catching up on the day, I replayed and relived the recent trauma by obsessing and sent myself further into a hole of misery with every sip I took.  Not a productive cycle. It was time for a reset.  I had to reprogram my habits surrounding what wine had become during the past few weeks, and as research shows, it usually takes approximately 30 days to form new habits. I immediately secured The Alcohol Experiment which became the perfect tool to accompany me on my alcohol free journey.

Thirty-one days in, I enjoy the new me that has emerged from the ashes. I’m stronger, more confident, and much less skittish because I’ve retrained my brain to deal with anxiety rather than ignore it.

The past month felt a bit like a pregnancy; a familiar analogy. The anticipation of an improved life as I gave birth to a new me. I figured out what my triggers were and how to feed my system with new thought patterns, tools and skills. I tried to center most decisions around being the healthiest version of myself so that I could bring life to others. I’m still pregnant in a sense because it’s an ongoing process of renewal as I unearth some deep-rooted junk and learn ways to muddle through.  Because that’s what it is, right? When shit lands in our lap, we muddle through, inch by inch with either healthy tools like working out, gardening, reading, or crocheting or unhealthy tools like gossip, beer, filling our bodies with preservatives, or shopping.  It can all get out of hand pretty quickly if we don’t clear our heads, reevaluate, pray for grace, and retrain our brains.

The only time I really craved a glass of wine was during my monthly cycle (sorry guys).  Something about the estrogen fluctuations, sugar cravings and hormones must have previously been satisfied with wine because in place of it, I made (and enjoyed) a cake with 6 cups of sugar along with strawberry shortcakes, blueberry crisp and homemade ice cream.  Other than those couple of days, it wasn’t a craving at all, and I accomplished a ton! Such as –

  1. I lost weight
  2. I painted my kitchen
  3. I found joy in former activities such as crocheting, reading, crafting, and writing in a journal.
  4. I updated my proposal
  5. I conducted meetings about starting a new Lucas Project chapter
  6. I read ten books!
  7. I found a therapist
  8. I crocheted a blanket for Annabelle’s birthday
  9. I set aside an hour every day for quiet time (reading, writing, prayer)
  10. My head is clear. I wake up and I’m ready to face situations that previously would have sent me into a spiral of despair as I’m now able to step outside of myself (or Betty – stay tuned, a post on her soon) and view situations objectively and rationally.

The cons included my hormones, the eczema flareups did NOT decrease, and I really didn’t like not having a choice.  I know that sounds strange because it was a self- induced experiment, but when I commit to something, I am in 100%, and in my mind there is NO choice.

Where do I go from here? Day by day, choice by choice. The idea of having a glass of wine has truly become a take it or leave it thought. I am now empowered with so much more mindfulness after reading the book and dealing with my feelings. Therapy has also helped. The anxiety is almost completely gone, and I feel courageous for completing the commitment. As with any decision moving forward, if I feel like it needs to be addressed again, I will stop and reevaluate. I incorporate this philosophy into numerous aspects of life including: food choices, social media, exercise (that usually needs to be added), wine, engagement with my children, and the list could go on and on.

This essay is simply my honest experience and is in no way a prescription or guide for someone addicted to alcohol.  If this describes your experience, please seek professional help. Maybe you see yourself in some of my words, and it’s time for a reset in your life. I can attest that it really does work! Maybe it’s not even wine or social media but something else.  We all have a thing or two we turn to in times of difficulty, and it’s learning to manage these decisions and not let them manage us.

I’m certain I’ll enjoy a glass of wine from time to time; a birthday celebration, vacation, or a night spent with girlfriends, but I’ll be mindful – God willing, and it’s all by his grace, isn’t it?  Grace to take it moment by moment – decision by decision – in his power and leading.

Next up, no gluten for June.  Hopefully I see some improvements with the eczema.

 

Just Keep Livin!

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