Insensitive Mating Rituals of Beanweevils and Husbands

This is a continuation of the previous post, Birds, Bees and Babies in Mommy’s Tummy…..

 

The next day, the day after we told the kids our exciting news about the pregnancy,  I walked down to the bus stop to retrieve Caleb, a little more tired than usual being newly pregnant and waited for him to bounce off the bus.  He arrived right on time, and we promptly began the return walk home and that’s when he abruptly turned to me and said

“Mom, were you awake or asleep when Dad did that thing to you?”

MY MIND WENT BLANK AND MY MOUTH WENT MUTE AND MY HEART PUMPED OUT MILLIONS OF GALLONS OF BLOOD IN ABOUT 5 MINUTES.   

I had absolutely nothing, not one of those super sharp come backs I’ve so proudly bragged about, NOTHING but bright redness blasting across every cell structure in my face. I muttered and stuttered and JUST ABOUT DIED.  

“Ummmm, what do you mean?”  I asked as innocently as I could muster, pretending like I had no idea that he was comparing our baby making session to some sort of bean weevil mating session he had most likely witnessed on Animal Planet or one of those other stupid shows his father lets him watch involving unique mating rituals of just about every walking creature in the universe including the elusive and odd bug, the bean weevil, who severely damages the female’s reproductive system upon successful insemination, thus coining the term, “traumatic insemination.”

“MOM, awake or asleep?  It’s not a hard question.” He asked again, this time getting annoyed with my obvious avoidance.

My brilliant reply, “What does your book say?”  

Great plan, project blame onto the book, the book should have covered that and if it didn’t, well, that’s not MY fault, that’s the book’s fault.  
The book in question is called It’s NOT The Stork! 

itsnotthestork

a descriptive, informative manual about a boy’s changing body, also loosely covering the birds and the bees.  
We thrust this book at them with the admonishment of “Come talk to us if you have any questions…”  Probably not one of our finest parenting moments.   

“Mom, it doesn’t say. I’m just wondering, were you awake or did Dad sneakily do it?”

OH MY WORD, I DON’T HAVE EVEN A REMOTE CONCEPT OF HOW TO DO THIS WITH MY TEN YEAR OLD SON…..

“Awake” I muttered hoping to slam the door completely shut for any further advancements in the conversation, the most mortifying conversation I’ve ever had in my life.  

This child had absolutely no comprehension of how his mother could be a willing participant in THAT ACT his book talked about.  I suppose he must have a very prudish version of his mother in his mind.
We continued our walk, talking about a plethora of other topics, his question having been answered and as we neared the house, I suddenly had a burst of energy and bounded up the steps, bursting into the office where my husband sat plugging away at numbers for his new project,

“Honey, I gasped, you are not going to believe what Caleb said to me…..”  

I retold the story to Ryan who in turn burst out laughing, an embarrassed type of laugh as he realized that his son viewed him as some sort of primal predator type of human being who totally took advantage of his mate in a weakened state of sleep and impregnated her against her will.  HILARIOUS.

I think that’s all I have to say about that…..

Just keep livin!!

Birds, Bees, and Babies in Mommy’s Tummy

We told the kids about the baby a few days after the line turned pink because one, I was SO excited to share our news, and two, I started feeling sick immediately and we didn’t want the kids to worry about mom, which they have a tendency to do with their complicated histories.   The big night arrived and not only did I mentally prepare my entire monologue, but I also had each child’s perfect reaction planned, sad to say, it did not go quite as I had expected.  The night began, and I giddily declared, “KIDS, gather around, we have something very exciting to tell you!” 

Ryan and I lovingly looked towards one another and then circled our gazes slowly around the family room, taking in each of the expectant expressions on our six angelic like faces. 

I continued, slowly, building the anticipation factor,

“Josh and Jada are no longer going to be the babies in our family…..” 

I paused to let that statement sink in, thinking one of the brighter members of the family would catch on.  They did not.

Instead we heard mass confusion, “Why? Are they going to first grade?  Are we getting a puppy?  Are we adopting a baby?!?!” 

Never in in their wildest imaginations did it actually cross their minds that their mother could be with child.

“No, I began slowly, looking at Ryan for inspiration and perseverance,

“I have a baby growing in my stomach.”

Dead Silence.

Caleb quickly flashed a frantic look towards Tate, Tate quickly turned bright red and became very interested in a crumb on the floor as the first thought that flashed through both of their minds was the undeniable fact in realizing that their parents had completed The Act that their special book had informed them about, the special book that we gave them last year when they began to have some questions about the birds and the bees, a special book which made for very entertaining blog material in Sex On A Stick.  It was in that moment when my sons averted their gazes to avoid eye contact with their mother at all costs when I realized, gone were the days when the simple explanation of “God put a baby in mommy’s tummy” could suffice as an explanation. 

Caleb, the inquisitive one, charged right in with a question, very first born like, asking,

“So, when exactly did it happen?” 

Me, eyes darting back and forth, like a deer caught in headlights, thinking,

“Like the day and time, the moment?  What exactly are you looking for son???” 

He was, I know him well, looking for the exact time that his book spoke of, that time when a daddy and a mommy are really close and love each other very, very much and the daddy gets so close to the mommy that the daddy’s sperm connects with the mommy’s egg and their special love makes a baby.

  OH MY WORD….

I felt like I was residing in the most awkward moment in the entire universe.  Unbeknownst to me, the following day would bring an even more precious moment that would make this particular moment seem as tame as our traditional Christmas cookie decorating.  I then joined Tate in having an excessive interest in the crumb on the floor while Ryan picked up where I left off.   

Tate, shuffling his feet, still looking at the floor, decided to chime in, “It’s just kind of weird to be a ten year old and my mom is having a baby,”

Uh, I’m sorry son, but I’m not a fifty year old woman giving birth.  This did actually happen previously only 4 years ago with the birth of your brother Joshua.  

Mya, “I knew you weren’t too old for God to put a baby in your tummy.”  My little Abraham

Mabel, “THERE’S NOT A BABY IN YOUR TUMMY!”  My little Thomas.

Come child, put your finger in my ever increasing midline and feel the squish.

Stay tuned…. It only gets better….

 

Just Keep Livin!!

Are You Crazy?

That question and another gem I’ve recently heard, “Why in the world would you have an 8th child?” both in response to the news I shared the other day.  98% of people who heard our news have been wonderful, joyful, sharing in the excitement but there is that small 2% who, as always, have their pleasantly strong opinions about it all. 

First, Yes, I’m sure we are a little crazy, Ryan and I have been a little crazy since the day we lost our late spouses to cancer, found love again quickly and unexpectedly with each other three months after their deaths, met for the first time in December of 2010, engaged to one another a month later and married in April of 2011 to combine my family of 5 with his family of 4 into one big, usually, happy family.  Top that off, his move to Michigan for two years and then discovering our dream house in the hills of Tennessee, praying about it for a year, taking a leap of faith, checking it out, falling in love with it, and uprooting everything we’ve ever known or loved for a grand new adventure we felt God calling us to, a fresh start of simplicity and love for one another.   So yes, we do crazy, we are crazy, we embrace crazy, so the rest of y’all (that whole 2%) just need to get the heck over it. 

I realize some people think they can influence how we live, maybe it’s because I put so much of our life out there to the world, maybe it’s because people are nosy, but here’s my news flash, nobody influences our decisions, only the good Lord above has that reserved role in our life.   You are obviously entitled to your opinion, but really, what’s done is done.  I’ve been made my views on eliminating babies very well known on this blog so obviously that’s not an option, we have created life, the deal is sealed.

Next, “Why in the world would you have an 8th child?”  The implications behind this comment are usually something like this, “How in the world are you going to give all of those children the love and attention they deserve?  How are you going to put all those kids through college? Don’t you ever want your lives back?” 

I have a firm belief that children do not need to grow up believing that they are the center of the universe and what better way to instill this concept than through multiple siblings.   I believe that my job as a parent is not even to raise good children.  I believe that my job as a parent is to raise successful, productive adults and in having this as the ultimate goal, my children had best learn that the world is full of all sorts of people with all sorts of talents and desires, and they need to incorporate early on skills such as cooperation, teamwork, and compromise, skills that make humanity work on the grandest scale, and they might as well get a head start on these concepts in their own home environment.  As for the love part of it all, that’s just ridiculous.  As human beings we have a huge capacity to love, adding another child will in no way diminish my love for the others and in fact, I believe it will only ultimately strengthen our family bond.

Second, I put myself through college, why is the thought that a young adult should contribute for an education that will benefit their future such a foreign concept in today’s day and age?  I will not bankrupt myself to put my children through college, I will not refinance my house to do this, I will not dig into our retirement funds for this.  I truly hope we can help each child through college, but I don’t lose any sleep over crunching these numbers.  I grew up as the oldest of 12 kids, 9 of us have put ourselves through college, in that number there are two attorneys, one Physician Assistant, one English person who has been in school forever (yours truly), a teacher, a director of finance for a major corporation, and three business people. 

Finally, don’t you want your lives back??  This is a true gem of a question. This is our life, I’m living it, I’m not waiting as so many do for life to begin when I get married, when I have a child, when my children go to school, or when my children leave the home, this is the journey, this is it, live it, be it, enjoy it, and honestly, I think I’ll be really bored when all of my children finally fly the coop, which they probably will do very easily and early if we do our job correctly by raising strong, independent adults. 

Rant over.

Initially Ryan and I had absolutely zip, zero, zilch aspirations to ever have a child together. Part of the reasoning was this idea of a “glory child” a Joseph baby, the only child  who would have the original mom and dad, the only child who did not share in the history of the others with the death of a parent.   I was completely done having children in my first marriage and when Ryan and I came together we recognized that 7 children was a big number, and not only 7 children, but a severely handicapped child who was part of that equation, and we took concrete steps to remove the possibility of us conceiving a child together.  One year of marriage went by and we started to adjust.  Second year, life got easier as the little ones got older.  Some around me were having babies and I would jokingly harass my husband every time I held one of these babies by wishfully saying, “Honey…….. we should have a baby….” knowing that it was not even in the realm of possibility until one day, after I uttered those words, “Honey….. we should have a baby” he took my head gently into his hands, looked me square in the eyes and said, “ I ALWAYS wanted to have a baby with you.”

What?? Seriously?  But we have SEVEN children!

That’s what it always came back to, BUT WE HAVE SEVEN CHILDREN!  WHY WOULD WE VOLUNTARILY ADD TO THAT GINORMOUS NUMBER?  That would be straight up craziness in all universes.    

But we prayed about it.  We talked about it.  And in the end we decided we would leave it in God’s hands.  I’ve never regretted a child; I’ve regretted the pregnancies big time, but never a child.  I wanted the experience with my husband, the man I’ve promised to love, honor, and cherish until my dying day, I wanted what most women want, I wanted to experience the precious gift of life with the man I love.  I believe we regret the things we never do or never try to do.  At this point in life our family is a well-oiled machine.  Luke’s private duty has helped immensely, our children are all pretty independent, Josh and Jada will be in school next year, so one more child at this point just seemed to make sense, and if it doesn’t, oh well, we’ll go with it because what’s done is done, the deal is sealed.

This video seems to sum up our attitude about so many things, when you’ve only got one chance, and that’s all of us have at this thing called life.   We intend to suck up every single opportunity, experience, joy and sorrow until our dying days, no regrets, because we are slightly crazy and proud of it.

http://www.utrend.tv/v/1-one-chance/

Just keep livin!! 

Creating and Procreating

I’ve had a few projects that have been occupying my time lately.  First on the list is the infamous kitchen knob decision.  Yes, I did finally make a decision on what knobs I wanted, these –

knob1

but the pull counterparts that matched these beauties were outrageously expensive, and I am outrageously cheap.  Instead, I had a brilliant, inexpensive idea to paint the current red pulls a cream color

knob2

knob3

and proceeded to head down this road, painting them, one by one, until I saw a better idea advertised on a popular social media site, using old, ugly pulls and wrapping twine around the mid – section creating a totally cool new look. Brilliant and Cheap.  I immediately jumped on amazon, ordered some twine because the local Walmart didn’t have it in stock, and have been slowly accomplishing about one pull a day.  I should be done in the next month or so. 

knob5

 

Next has been my Lucas Project Idea.  I’ve desired to do something in Luke’s honor from the day he was born, 9 years ago, but life has been a bit messy since that day and nothing has actually gotten off the ground, until now.  I’ve finally filled out the non – profit corporation paperwork and the next step is to meet with an attorney. 

lukepaper

My initial thought for this non – profit is to raise money to be awarded as grants for rural school districts or families in need of funds for their special education classrooms or homes, enabling them to purchase supplies they might not otherwise have access to, such as what Luke’s teacher and I are currently doing through the website donorschoose.org as we attempt to raise money to purchase hand rails and a handicapped accessible swing set for the playground. Check it out and consider donating to this wonderful cause.    Funds For Luke 

 Third, I’m working on the Ronne Christmas cards.  We have quite a few picture options this year but in my opinion, not one of them is super great.  We can go with a nice family fall shot, or a nice Halloween thing shot, or instead we can do our usual, embracing the fact that we never all look perfect in a picture and do a crazy option for either one of the photo shoots.  What do you think?

halloween13

funnything

fam13

funnyfam

I’ve written about Luke’s special green blankie before, a blanket that I crocheted while I was pregnant with him and from almost birth until the present, he loves this tattered thing dearly, needing it to go to sleep on a nightly basis.  Well, as you can see from the picture, this blanket is plenty loved and pretty gross at this point.

lukeblanket

I think it’s time for a new one or at least a back – up one.  I’ve been slowly (I seem to do everything slowly) crocheting this new blanket for him.  I’ll do about a row a day until there are 5 days until Christmas and then I’ll go buck ape wild and stress myself out and finish it on Christmas Eve. I’ve become a very laid back type A first born in my old age. 

lukenewblank

Finally, last but not least, the most important project I’ve been working on, the project that’s wearing me out beyond comprehension, zapping all of my energy, skill, and brain cells.  A project that the whole family is overwhelmingly excited about, but I, the project maker, will be much more enthusiastic about it all in 7 months or so.   I’ll let the pictures do the rest of the explaining…

 

pregtest

 

babynews

 

Just keep livin!!

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