Well, THAT week is over, thank goodness – the week where it will always be known and remembered as “they” died. I’ve struggled with what to write about today. I don’t want to offend people, I don’t want to hurt people, and I understand that as a remarried woman I probably view the events surrounding this past week slightly different than friends and family do. I’ve said before, to intentionally focus on my love and feelings for another man, even a deceased man whom I was married to, feels a little like emotional adultery to me. So on my day I do not go there emotionally. I remember what that day represents, and I always remember that I was married to him and through four very lively reminders remember that we had children and a life together. It does no one any good for me to remember my feelings for him in an intimate way. It would not be fair to Ryan to do that in our marriage so I don’t go there. Just as I wouldn’t go and try to remember feelings I had for a prior boyfriend in my first marriage, it’s the same sort of idea in this second marriage, and it’s just not healthy to go there emotionally. Secondly, it’s a bittersweet feeling through it all as a remarried woman. First, I have my husband and children because of someone’s death and without her death I would not have them. Therefore, I’m sad because people are hurting because of their loss but to say that I’m sad because someone I never knew died and because of her death I have a wonderful marriage and life? See my dilemma? That is a hard thing to write and a harder pill to swallow but it’s the truth. I love my husband and new children intensely, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. That’s the bittersweet of it all. I hope that as the years go by people can respect the fact that it is different for us. We don’t have the same pain that others may have, and I apologize if that’s hurtful, but when you remarry that spousal love is replaced. We acknowledge the day for our children but even for them the parent void has been filled and replaced. Our two year olds may be curious someday about their birth parents but outside of curiosity, I don’t think there will be much. It was in the grand script of it all that Ryan and I come together in this moment in time, and it was in the grand script that we be mom and dad to seven lively little reminders of them for as long as we are granted the time.
Just keep livin!!