Control

I had a random thought on the way home the other day.  I was thinking back on all of the trauma and heartache I’ve been through in the past few years and how I’m such a different person now than I was even ten years ago.  The other day I wrote about how we always try to have this sense of control over everything in our lives.  That was me completely and obsessively ten years ago.  I thought I had it all planned out.  I always took pride in my intellect, whatever that may be, but the fact that I did well in college and then went on to a Master’s Program where I had a 3.9 GPA was something that I held in great regard with myself in terms of accomplishments. With that intellect I thought I could find an answer to any problem that came my way.  I tried to prove that theory eight years ago when  I was told my pregnancy with Luke would surely result in a dead child. In true Jessica fashion, I tried to research that news away.  Yes, I trusted in God but that trust revolved around the fact that my child was going to be completely normal.  I was going to take control of the situation and with MY faith move the mountain and with MY research skills prove the doctors wrong.  Looking back, I thought I was resting in the knowledge of what God’s word says, but I wasn’t exactly, I was trying to control the situation, control the doctors and control God. I had a control problem.  Later when my late husband suffered through brain cancer for three years my controlling nature again reared its ugly head when I sought to control his treatments, spent hours upon hours researching the best and newest advancements for his cancer, trying all sorts of natural and probably ridiculous remedies, and trying to control our financial situation by sending him job opportunities all the time.  Again, I tried to control the situation, I didn’t rely on God’s provision, I didn’t trust that he would care for me, I relied on my own abilities.  The person I am today is no longer that person.  It’s interesting and beautiful how God uses the ugliest situations in your life to strip you of the ugliest things in your soul.  I don’t have nearly the pretense of control anymore that I once had; I just live for the day.  I dropped out of my Master’s program 3 classes short of being done because I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t care about my intellectual image (and believe me, I come from a family of brains, 3 attorneys, 3 successful business women, and 1 Physician Assistant, all under 35) so it is a priority where I come from.  But in this moment in my life I have more important things to care about, 7 of them being under 10 years old.  Whatever it may be in someone’s life: pride, control, image, religion, self-centeredness – God will strip you clean for his glory and for his kingdom. “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6.  I generally don’t try to control anymore, but I am far from perfect. HE has and does constantly remind me it was never in my control. I’m sure he still has quite the project in me, but I don’t look to try to prove myself anymore.  For the only one I’ll ever have to answer to has already told me that I’m more than worth the price he paid at Calvary.  
Just keep livin!!

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