I’m going to stop here with our story for now. I will continue writing on this blog, but I’m not going to go into detail regarding the months following that initial blog comment between the two of us. One, after rereading the last two posts it seems like Ryan and I were just looking for a warm body to sleep with (not at all the case, for the most part:-) and secondly, I’m not ready to share that part of my life; it’s too close to me at this point and time. What we shared together in those months was extremely special; we were both so lost and so free and so vulnerable and so confused. I feel like we had to share too much of each other in the beginning with too many people. There were the opinions on how fast we were going, how we should still be grieving, estimations of how much damage we were doing to our children and to our families, all in all, most people had an opinion about our love life whether we wanted it or not. We had guilt over moving forward so quickly, unwarranted guilt, we weren’t married or attached to anyone, yet the guilt persisted, guilt over how quickly “they” could be replaced. We had lived our lives online for so long that people felt like they knew us personally and knew “them” personally. They rejoiced with us in the good news and mourned with us in the bad. Honestly, when you write you write what you want people to know. A lot of the bad, the ugly, and the dark was omitted from both of our blogs in an effort to protect our own dignity and “their” dignities. That’s the truth behind writing – you write the slant that protects you. Not only did we have people’s opinions shared very vocally on different social media sites, in letters, in emails, on “their” facebook walls and in conversations, but we also had to share each other with them in the beginning as well. They came up in many of our dating conversations, emails, and pictures all over both of our walls. We didn’t know how to fall in love with each other while falling out of love with people we had spent over 10 years with. Nobody handed us the rule book on that situation. We heard this overwhelming chant of how perfect we were for each other because we could share all of our feelings with one another about their deaths, mourn together, grieve together, and cry together. Problem is, that doesn’t work well, not one single bit. Imagine being married and hearing about your husband’s former girlfriend, story after glorified story of them, never recalling anything negative in the least. Or a different scenario, you’re divorced and remarried and you constantly share all of the happy moments that you had with your ex husband with your new husband, look through photo albums with your arm around this other person, and expect him to embrace this person whom you shared a very intimate part of your life with. People have this misconception that it’s different for us in some capacity, it is not, not at all, the exact same feelings are there. Neither one of us knew the others spouse, so therefore, neither one of us feels the need to remember that person as others would. We learned quickly that we didn’t want to share each other with anyone, especially not with them. We are a couple in and of ourselves and we were not going to live in the past with them. We were determined to live in the present with each other. This has not been easy because so much of our past is made up of them and it’s really not easy for other people to understand, but it is the truth of how people in our situations feel. It’s this taboo subject because as a society, “we never speak ill of the dead” but that should include something along the lines of just not speaking a whole lot of anything regarding the dead with your new spouse if you are ready to move forward. Notice I say, with your new spouse, not the rest of the world or friends or family, there is a time for remembrance, but it is different with a new person that you have taken vows with. So anyway, I’m closing out our story for now. It is too sacred to me in this moment. A little over a year into marriage we are in a really good place. We’ve worked through so much our first year, grief, newness, adjustments, personalities, faith and we are together in a very peacefully oiled sort of spot in our marriage that I just want to cherish together for a time. There will still be glimpses into it all with my posts but the heavy, passionate stuff that came in those following months will have to wait until another day as will the long, dark moments of pain that we worked through after our marriage while trying to figure us out under the shroud of them.
Just keep livin!!