Jess thought it would be a good idea for her audience to know what I was feeling through the exact same timeline but from my perspective. I have to admit that Jess was able to embrace her future much more quickly than I was. I was wallowing in my grief the months following Kaci’s death even though I knew I should trust in God’s plan for my life. Kaci was diagnosed in March and passed away in August so it was a much shorter journey than the 3 years Jess had to endure. Loneliness was definitely the most difficult aspect to sort out and I had some very dark moments as well. I often did not spend my many hours of down time each day reading my Bible and praying. I wasn’t working, Tate and Mya were in school, and Jada was often at Kaci’s parent’s house. This gave me too much time to be alone and wallow in everything God hadn’t done for me. I also felt like I deserved a free pass and, like Jess, if the right opportunity would have presented itself, I probably would have taken it. I had been a caregiver for the last 5 months and I had needs to be met and I often thank God for protecting me during that time for not doing something stupid that I would regret the rest of my life. When Tate said something to me about a new mom, I was taken aback to say the least. But to be completely honest, as Jess has been, I would have taken a one night stand as long as my kids were unaware. I’m not proud of that, but the loneliness of those moments is so heavy and dark, anything that could have brought even a hint of light would have been welcomed. When I read Jessica’s comment on my blog, I knew immediately that God was at work. I needed a woman’s perspective on my situation and it just so happened that she would know exactly how I felt. I responded to her request the next day just reaching out to another person who was feeling like me. Little did I know, she would be God’s hands and feet pulling me through my pain and loneliness and showing me by example that God wants us to trust Him and…
Just keep livin:)

1 thought on “His Loneliness

  1. Beautiful, as always. When you were holding the broken pieces f the jigsaw puzzles of your lives, God was bringing you together in a way where your pieces would fit together to complete a beautiful picture. I remember when you were “attacked” on your blog, Ryan, right after Kaci died, about “moving on” and remember thinking that I was so glad that you had such security about the marriage that you had w/ Kaci and didn’t have the emotional baggage of being hurt by your spouse or being jaded by love, that you could open your heart to someone new. I think you are both wonderful people and I keep thinking of the song, “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you…” I don’t pretend to know I know God’s mind, but I am so glad He has shown His plan for your lives to come together after such devastating losses. God bless you both! Thank you for sharing with us. I always leave my computer after reading Jess’s blog with a lump in my throat but a lightness in my heart, the lump due to the shared emotional hurt of a brother/sister in Christ, and the lightness because of the beauty of God’s plan for the 9 of you…Jess and her “mess”! Becky Saunders

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