My Husband’s Two Cents

I find it a privilege to write on Jessica’s new blog. She thought it might be interesting to have me write from a man’s perspective some of the things we deal with on a regular basis. My first “guest appearance” might be somewhat controversial, so feel free to voice your opinion but make sure they are pointed at me and not my beautiful bride:)

            I have found it interesting how many people who know us and many who do not, have an opinion about our relationship and our grief process. We have decided to step outside of the box a bit and embrace the blessed life God has granted us. Nobody knows the pain we have endured before we met nor the pain we have shared with each other. There is no doubt we have moved quickly in many aspects of our new life but in no way have we been rash in our decisions. God has guided and often given us slight nudges along our very unusual path. The culture we live in often expects us to mourn forever or at least a year or 2 or 5 or…I guess it depends on who you ask:) Well, we didn’t ask and neither one of us is grieving any longer. That does not mean we didn’t love our late spouses and it doesn’t mean they have been forgotten, it just means we are living our life together without them in it. I know that sounds brutal but the only example I can think of to back our way of thinking from a biblical perspective is Jesus’ death. The advantage Jesus’ disciples had that the rest of us miss out on is He revealed Himself to them later and reminded them that His purpose had been lived out and now they must pick up and move forward to fulfill their own. I can’t recall Jesus ever saying “as soon as you finish mourning my death” you can get started. Jason and Kaci are in the same heaven that Jesus reigns over, so I believe the same is true for us. We are supposed to pick up the pieces and fulfill our own purpose and God has great things planned for us and for all of you if you are willing. We are not to let life pass us by because something awful happened to us no matter how bad it seems in the moment. I believe God has carried me through some horrific events but I have a choice to make: wallow in my grief (which is accepted in our society and often expected) or let God lead me to the next level of life full of new joys and new happiness. I’ll be the first to tell you that the latter is not always the easiest route to take and many feelings are hurt initially but for me, it’s the correct answer and the path less traveled. I have much more to say about this particular subject but it will have to wait until I’m invited to write again, that is, if I’m invited to write again:) Now, as Jess would say…just keep livin!

3 thoughts on “My Husband’s Two Cents

  1. Ryan since you are asking for comments. I will tell you from the sister of a GBM victim. It is hard when you do pick up your life and run with it. My BNL started dating the very month my sister passed away and had dated 4 women in the first 6mths. Like I told him he was a grown man but he had 3 children mourning the death of their mother. NOW 3 years later he married someone that seems to not care at all about the kids just her and my former BNL. It is like my sister never existed. Like she was never here. THey have all forgotten her and her life. My child 3 when she dies talks about my sister daily where as her kids never mention her. THey talk about things about themselves when they where a baby. But never Mom did this or MOM did that. I know everyone Grieves differently. But I is nice that the person that has Passed IS NOT FORGOTTEN! They did exist and they did create the very life that child breathes. Jess blog really helps me see YOUR side. The spouse side. But What about the Sibling that lost something that isnt replacable. Yes the Children got someone that is a MOTHER FIGURE BUT this women does not love them nor wants to love them. I am so happy that you and Jess both have feel inlove with the chidren from the other. That is a true blessing!

  2. How sad for you anon. I think the difference here is your BIL has not kept any memories alive for the chlidren and has not allowed her memory to co-exist happily with the new life. However, I agree with Ryan completely – a new life and a new wife requires a committment to only her and forsaking all others. This does not mean forgetting or not loving previous spouses but the fact remains this person is no longer with us and the remaining spouse cannot or should be required to live alone, lonely and not find happiness again. Nor can 3 (or 4) people exist in a marriage. I realize its differnet for late wife’s famiy and chlidren as they cannot just replace a mother as a husband finds another spouse. However, family needs to love enough to let go and respect the BIL new life/wife… being angry or holding BIL back or resenting his moving on is not going to bring your sister back. Possibly talk to him or when you have chldren you might be a source of inspiration for the children to know about your sister. However, do you really know what happens in the house? Do you really know that the BIL and wife are NOT talking about your sister on occasion or giving chlidren access to the sisters memory . It is not good if they keep all access and information about your sister away from the kids but neither should they run their lives or the children’s lives around the loss of their mother. That can be very damaging and unhealthy and arrest the healing and grief process of the chlidren as well to focus too much on their loss. it is about striking a balance. Finding a place where the sister/mother is remembered warmly and honored and respected, but not to the point that it keeps children, former BIL, and new wife from living a happy life and being rooted in the present. I am truly sorry if new wife does not love your sister’s kids. This is sad and could happen whether your BIL was widowed or divorced. If this is true remember it’s a fault in your BIL for choosing and allowing a woman into his home and life who shows no compassion or love for his own children. This has nothting to do with your sister’s loss but something to with your BIL lack of judgement of character in chosing a new spouse. But that was his choice. As much as it hurts there is nothing that can be done He is an adult and will choose his own relationships. How much or how little he dated after your sister’s death isn’t really your concern as long as he was not neglecting his children. Although I can understand it stings. However, the reality is no matter how much we love our former spouse – life did not stop when this person passed away. Everyone has the inherent right to have a partner in life if this is their choosing regardless whether their spouse died. His vow to your sister has been completed – to death do us part. He is and was free to date and remarry. Sorry he didn’t do a better job picking a kind, compassionate wife this is sad for the children. All you can do is love your sister’s kids when they are with you. But do not resent the man for moving on – I can understand resenting his choice if she is a uncaring person and not treating the children well. Those are two different issues.

  3. That is what I resent. HIM not picking someone that wants to be a mother to these children. I have 2 children my self and my olderest who was 3 when my sister passed does not go 1 day without talking about my sister. My baby who never got to meet my sister, looks to heaven and talks to her. But My sisters kids never mention her. he is a grown man…..and had every right to date. but to start dating the month she passed when his kids needed him and he would push them away to date someone and basicly neglect them to find someone. And then this someone chringes when the child hugs her. It is pittiful. I belive in my heart life would be different if he had choose someone GOD wanted for him and not rushed to find someone/anyone to fill the place she left behind. But it is what it is. I can only keep her memory alive and remind the kids what an AWESOME mother they had and how much she loved them.

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